Satire: ‘Baby’ Finds Out the Hard Way, It Really Is Cold Outside
A Pleasantville woman who mistook her betrothed’s pleas to avoid traveling in a winter storm for a coercive effort at date rape is now in a local hospital suffering pneumonia and severe frostbite after turning down his parent’s charitable offers to stay in their spare bedroom and wait out a winter storm that made roads impassable over most of the state.
The woman, identified only as, “Baby,” ignored multiple warnings about extreme wind chill and blizzard conditions and set out just before midnight last week despite snow accumulations that made for treacherous driving conditions and temperatures that fell well below zero. Her car was discovered three days later at the bottom of a steep ravine, covered in snow after she skidded off the road and remained trapped in her vehicle.
“If I told her once, I told her a dozen times, “Baby, it’s cold outside,” the boyfriend said, telling highway patrol officers that his efforts at chivalry had ultimately been rebuffed as an attempt to take advantage of his now ex-fiancee’s virtue.
“I have no idea what goes on in some girl’s heads these days,” the unidentified baritone said, relating details of a rather lengthy attempt on his part to keep “Baby,” from venturing out for home in one of the worst Christmas week storms in several years, without four wheel drive and with little experience in blizzard driving conditions.
“I tried repeatedly to talk sense to the girl and to convince her to stay until the storm abated. Ma even made up the spare bedroom and ran her a hot bath, but she just wouldn’t listen to common sense.”
From her hospital bed in the therapeutic wing of Pleastanville General Hospital, “Baby,” as the woman is known, found it difficult to offer intelligible details about her ordeal after suffering multiple fractures and hypothermic tissue damage from two days and nights spent in subzero conditions.
“Ah din won him to thing he can jus git whut guys won jus cuz the wethr wuz bad,” the girl managed, indicating she’d reached out and received text messaged advice from girlfriends on the night of her accident, reminding her to “Stay strong,” and “Fight the patriarchy,” and to, “Tell that bastard he’s acting like a rapey cis male neanderthal. Kick him in the chestnuts over an open fire, or I will.”
“Baby,” who faces the amputation of several fingers and toes and permanent facial disfigurement after the removal of most of her hideously frostbitten nose, now confronts uncertain prospects after taking her female friends advice. Her fiancee, after seeing the damage to her appearance and her unwillingness to take sound advice about the dangers of winter travel has broken off their engagement. The couple had planned a June wedding.
“Life is too short for women who are constantly worried about whether a man has inappropriate intentions or designs on their womanhood that either aren’t there, or are perfectly normal expressions of love and attraction,” the man said.
“Not to say that I’ve already moved on, but there is a particular girl who’s invited me to spend Christmas with her and seems very excited about exchanging gifts in a very normal and non suspicious way. “She’s told me jokingly to “Hurry down her chimney, tonight,” the man said, revealing that he’d purchased a very nice sable fur coat to slip underneath her Christmas tree.
“I plan to be there,” the man said.
“She’s a bit of a gold digger, but other than that, a very normal, affectionate and level headed girl.”
Holderness Family Offers Baby It’s Cold Outside Remake: “Baby, Just GO Outside.”