‘We can do worser,’ California Vows to Elect Pile of Poop, Dirty Needle to Congress
Not to be outdone by New York City voters’ selection of Alexandria Ocasio Cortez, the state of California vows to retake their status as the home of the dumbest Congressional representative by electing either a dirty syringe or a pile of human feces to the House of Representatives in 2020.
“It really is time,” former San Francisco mayor and California Governor-elect, Gavin Newsom said in a statement Friday.
“In the City by the Bay, dirty needles and piles of poop have rapidly grown into two of the most iconic symbols of our San Francisco population and it’s only right that those two categories be adequately represented both on the ballot and in Washington D.C.”
Newsom was mayor of San Francisco from 2004 to 2011 and was influential in behind the scenes efforts to develop a mapping system for pedestrians to track and report the location of human fecal deposits on city streets so that walkers could plan routes accordingly and avoid stepping in them.
Newsom remains eager to see California lower the bar and reclaim electoral idiot supremacy by ending political discrimination against candidates who aren’t just full of sh*t, but are actually made of sh*t.
“Only poop should speak about poop and only a hypodermic needle knows what it’s like to be shoved into an endless succession of HIV positive people before being discarded outside a daycare center or in the sandbox of a children’s playground,” Newsom said.
“It’s time to stop having human beings thinking that they can adequately speak to the needs of our hypodermic and feces populations. Anything else is discrimination that I call, poopophobia,” Newsom said.
Experts have pointed out however that depending on maggot infestation or the presence of other microbial colonies, it is possible even post election that a pile of human excrement might still contain greater amounts of sentient intelligence than Alexandria Ocasio Cortez.
“Some species of paramecium and flagellates have shown surprising levels of sensitivity to stimulus and cause and effect in their environments,” said Dr. Blanche Almandien, professor of microbiology at Chico State College.
“Making an accurate comparison of intellect between a fecal pile and Miss Ocasio will require a case-by-case analysis and that’s a challenge we intend to address with both hands and both feet firmly planted in reality,” Almandien said.