“Hi, mom. (sniffle) It’s me. Yeah. You heard? Uh, huh. All of us. We didn’t even get a vegan goodbye cake or a spiritually centering group hug. They just handed us a severance check and a box to pack up our cubicles. Which pissed me off because the box wasn’t even made of post recyclable material.

Anywhoo, I’m in shock. The timing is awful. I barely have enough to cover my natural fiber tampons this month and I’m completely out of free range soy patties for Steinem. My cat, mom, Steinem is my cat. Uh, huh. No, Allred died last year, remember? MMhmm.

Anyway, I wondered if it would be ok with dad if I just use the basement for a few weeks. Until I hear back from the Energy Temple to see if they could use any marketing help for their new hemp oil yoga menu. Yeah. It doesn’t pay anything, but you get all the classes you want and a year’s supply of Chaga mushroom tea, so I have that going for me.

Ok. Thanks, mom.

What? Felicity and I broke up weeks ago, mom, remember? She told me she walked past a guy in a MAGA hat near the subway and she didn’t even punch him or throw her coffee on him or anything? I told you this. We just weren’t on the same path.

Ok, mom. I’ll see you Sunday. But not too early. We’re all getting together Saturday night for absinthe and brownies for one last goodbye party. Except for Polly. Apparently, she knew how to code or something. Got a job at FoxConn.

And mom, one more thing, remember, I’m vegan, so you and daddy are going to have to give up meat and dairy for a while, ok?

Wait, what? You and Dad have decided what? What do you mean he’s done really good things for the country. Out performed expectations? I can’t believe I’m hearing this. You’ve decided he’s been unfairly portrayed and you’ve changed your minds? This can’t be happening right now.

You know what, mom? Forget it. I’m not coming home. You and dad are dead to me until you get this stupid phase or whatever it is out of your system. Do you hear me? You won’t see me again unless I see a voter certificate showing a vote for Bernie Sanders in 2020. Until then, forget my name and number you racist cow..”

Click.

 

Dad: “So, how’d she take it?”

Mom: “It worked, exactly like we knew it would. She’s not moving back home.”

Dad: “Good. Let’s watch some Hannity. With the lights on this time.”

Mom: “Oh. You rascal, you.”