In 1976, my parents decided, via their own research that public school was a deliberate indoctrination system to produce children who hated their parents, despised American culture, didn’t believe in God and would readily embrace Communist ideals over time. They chose home schooling. They were right.

In 1978, my parents decided that television was a form of mass hypnosis and social programming meant to liberalize and degrade American culture and integrate brain numbing social programmatics based on flicker rate and repetitive messaging. They threw out our Panasonic television. They were right.

In 1980, my parents decided processed sugars, flours and hydrogenated fats were chemical warfare and decided we would eat organic food and avoid artificial anything, banning soda pop, candy and junk food of all forms from our house and filling the fridge with unpasteurized milk and yogurt, packed with antibodies and probiotics. They also embraced homeopathic medicine, limiting our exposure to antibiotics and pharmaceuticals of any kind. They were right.

In those days, the mocking social stigmas created by those “weird” life choices were intense and unrelenting and eventually a source of family entertainment as people in our social circles asked questions and poked fun, preferring the normalcy bias of their own social norms and life choices over the information that even then was readily available. If only anyone had taken the time to look. No one ever did.

Until they saw our test scores, manners and our athletic results. Suddenly, everyone was a willing ear.

Forty years on, in 2019, people now feel like geniuses for discovering “eating clean,” and “Totes keto!! Woot woot.” And, “living the clean life,” etc. And yet, they still look askance at beliefs that America’s political system has moved inexorably toward socialist totalitarian government for 40 years and that Donald Trump is under attack because he emerged as a lone outsider willing to challenge a clear push toward one world government and the erasure of American freedom.

And I’m no more wrong about that than I was about giving up Snickers bars and Pringles 35 years ago.

So, if you’re reading this and congratulating yourself on taking up yoga and drinking purified water and replacing carbs and sugars and processed foods with healthy fats, nutrient-rich vegetables and a protein dense diet, congratulations. Now, maybe consider that artificial thoughts and intellectual obesity may be your next life improvement goals. Perhaps, think of Trump Derangement Syndrome as the geopolitical jello salad of the modern age. Throw that shit out.

Wouldn’t it be a shame to have come all this way to embracing organic produce and free range poultry, while you live your ideological life in the confines of the human version of a Tyson chicken confinement system, reliant on a video nourishment dispenser to fill your brain with system approved CoCo puffs?

I’ve been a non-conforming free range human raised by parents who never gave a single concern for what the deluded sheep of the world thought, said, did or didn’t do. I’m eternally grateful for their wisdom and more than that, their willingness to teach their children to prize non-conformity as an essential life principle that forms the very core of individualism, self-reliance and determination. We’ve been ignoring all of you for generations.”

As a parting thought, please remember that I’ve been a non-conforming free range human raised by parents who never gave a single concern for what the deluded sheep of the world thought, said, did or didn’t do. I’m eternally grateful for their wisdom and more than that, their willingness to teach their children to prize non-conformity as an essential life principle that forms the very core of individualism, self-reliance and determination. We’ve been ignoring all of you for generations.

Because “health food” and pesticides and herbicides and toxicological pharmaceuticals and the dangers of a low carb diet and the messaging of pop culture and the anti-God, pro-debauchery public schools are all just conspiracy theories cooked up decades ago, remember? Even as your children eventually filled up their lunch boxes with corn syrup wrapped in Crisco and Adderrall and ran off to reading time lessons about the joys of anal sex led by drag queens. Just like we predicted.

It only took you 40 years to come around on “eating clean.” It’s nice to have you along for the ride. Just a few more admissions about all that social programming and media consumption and we’ll be making real headway.

Now, let’s get some things done.